Fall Inventory 2016
The light changes in September, takes on an edge and a hue that sets my nerves on fire; it’s always the beginning of darkness, reflection, and a certain amount of struggle. This year it’s a little different…life’s a little different because I’ve stopped fighting as much.
Let me assure my few readers that I am OK. This is a process, it’s not a cry for help, it’s not the mad rambling of a postage stamp being drown in dark water. I am simply taking inventory and putting it on “paper” so I know it’s there. I’m being honest. I am making contracts and promises.
In 2014 life changed and it was not good; details are unimportant, most of you already know them–the rest of you can simply search for the details. Many years of “remission” from a very nasty, genetic, Bipolar Type 1, Rapid Cycling unraveled.
It’s almost two and a half years later, and I’m only beginning to get that stability back. There’s still a very long way to go. The last week forced me to put another couple of long-standing issues under a scope and triage their necessity.
Thus, Fall Inventory, 2016.
Bill Murray, a long time icon of mine, has several quotes that frame it up.
People say I’m difficult and sometimes that’s a badge of honor.
Yes, I admit that since I was ten I’ve carefully constructed a persona with “asshole” taking point. At first it was a defense, then an offense, it evolved into streamlining, and eventually it wrapped all of those into a simple demand to know “why” things are. The one persona has been crafted into situational personae (professional, social, environmental, etc.) and they rarely meet, forcing a lot of work and much juggling.
I’m getting old enough to be tired enough to be at the point of retiring most of the persona. Very few people know “me”…they only know facets and the bits I choose to reveal. Hell, to be honest, the last two years, I’ve realized I don’t know Me anymore.
So, yes, I can be difficult. I’m sure there will be times that difficulty will surface. I just don’t want to be known as “Collin is impossible to deal with, he’s too damn difficult to handle”.
I’ve had some success in movies, so I really don’t think about success. You like to have it, but I’m not desperate for it.
Earlier this year I made a rather sudden decision to leave my job and strike out as an Independent Contractor again…it’s been a few years since I’d done that. This led me to a few conclusions…since being out on your own is damn liberating and damn difficult.
- I am really good at what I do, but I demand to do it my way
This is more bad than good…for the main reason of…
- I’ve ignored my own accomplishments and reputation for too long…using it to allow others to build their own
But, that leads to a bit of a conflict, because…
- By the age of 30, I had achieved a lot of my immediate goals…and promptly lost everything in less than a year
- Since then I have been wildly successful and have failed miserably at many things, several times
- I just really don’t care “how” successful I am any longer, it does not matter
Life is so damn short. For fuck’s sake, just do what makes you happy.
The world does not care whether you’re rich or poor, alive or dead — so why should anyone or anything else? This life is really about finding what makes you happy, what brings you joy (yes, I did pay attention…), and then you.are.GONE. Your last thoughts shouldn’t be “damn, I wish I would have just been happy…”
So, who really cares if you die with a giant nest egg or living one day at a time? Or if you like to play video games? Or spend weeks in the wilderness. Just do what works and when it stops working, do something else. Period.
I know, this is common sense stuff.
If it’s so common sense, why aren’t more people doing it?
That’s it…inventory is done.
Be like Bill. But more importantly, be yourself, and be happy.